Bio

Hi guys, Suzi here!

Seriously, is there anything more boring than reading some old fart’s biography? Well yes, writing one for a start! And I should know, because I’ve been drafted in to ji….um...jazz this one up a bit!

So, let’s get cracking! Uncle Rick was born in 1952 and nothing earth shattering happened until he threw off his first wan….er….treat, in 1963.

So there you have it. In 1963 his rotten parents decided to emigrate from Montana USA and settle down in some boring dump called England. The food stunk, the school stunk and the TV stunk. So he had two choices; kill himself or clumsily stumble into a wonderful world of perpetual wan...er...giving himself a treat!

Fortunately he stumbled and it was great.

The End.

OK, that’s probably not going to wash. I’m being paid good money for this flipping biography so I suppose I better give you one!

Uncle Rick absolutely loved growing up in Montana during the 1950’s. Snowed in by minus 40 degree blizzards, he blissfully overdosed on the old monster movies which Universal had recently sold to TV. Not long after, Aurora brought out their Frankenstein, Wolf Man and Dracula model kits and a whole generation of monster kids was born. To be honest, the models weren’t very good, but the box art was brilliant and as soon as my uncle set eyes on it he wanted to earn his living as a horror artist.

Sadly that didn’t happen, at least not for another 40 years. Somewhere down the line, treating himself got replaced with actual sex and this inevitably led to marriage, a bunch of kids and a career in catering. 

All of which are good reasons for not giving up wanking! To be fair though, his Italian ex-wife did do her very best to convince him to pursue a career in art.

“You useless cundino, Reek!” she howled as she bounced yet another burned burger off his head “You’re a stupid, stupid man and you can’t cook worth a sheeeeet!!!”

Yes, I know that sounds a bit brutal, but in her own sweet way I’m sure she was trying to get him to pursue a career in art!

Anyway, she eventually met someone she genuinely liked, so my uncle married the waitress with the biggest tits and threw himself into the malodorous world of sexploitive horror art! 

But like Smokey The Bear once said (after he came upon America’s most beloved family bonking each other senseless in the bushes) things sure had changed on Walton’s Mountain. 

For starters, his old fashioned oil paintings looked pretty rough compared to the magic being created in Photoshop. And because he painted in a fast, retro style, his stuff looked even rougher.

Not only that, but artwork featuring huge breasted women being abused by sex crazed monsters was no longer considered acceptable in 2004.

It looked as though his dreams of painting the most offensive DVD covers in history were about to be callously flushed down the toilet. But what to do? He could hardly switch to water colour pet portraits, especially after buying a bunch of oil paints and marrying the waitress with the biggest tits!

But then he got lucky (if you consider working for a tight XXXX lucky) because who should be wiping his bottom on one of Uncle Rick’s pamphlets but the Dark Side magazine’s editor, Allan Bryce! Just as he was about to pull the chain, Brycie noticed the header which was ‘Desperate Idiot Willing To Paint Anything For Free’ and after reversing the charges, he gave my uncle a call.

That was about a jillion years and 150 covers ago, and now the Dark Side is the best selling horror magazine in the world!

It has also received the most complaining letters of any magazine in the world, all of them directed at my uncle and his long running column which features some of his most salacious artworks. In fact, during the years his stories and paintings centred around the Dark Side Towers nymphomaniac tea girl (ME!) readers were throwing themselves under buses in protest.

But one thing you can say about Brycie (apart from the fact he’s a tight XXXX) is that he doesn’t care if he upsets a few people, probably because he’s too busy upsetting even more people than Uncle Rick!

So there you have it. As I type, my uncle is a staggering 72 years old and still churning out artwork no respectable artiste would entertain. 

And holy poop, that waitress with the biggest tits is now 60!!! 

Fortunately, Aunt Sally is still relatively ‘perky’ and unlike younger models, she doesn’t bellyache about being bonked into oblivion by Rawhead Rex or being chased into Turd Lake by Sticky The Dick!

Well OK, she does, which is why I’ve been lumbered with posing for most of Uncle Rick’s titty-tastic smut. But hey, a girl could do a lot worse than spend her days being ravaged by monsters in some old fart’s cosy studio.

And I’m getting really good at the CPR

Uncle Rick